Julius Caesar

PDF EBook by William Shakespeare

EBook Description

Julius Caesar, abridged:

BRUTUS: I love Caesar!

CASSIUS: He's a power- PDFhungry bastard. Julius Caesar PDF EBook I think we should kill him.

BRUTUS: Dude, we totally should.

DECIUS: Happy Ides of March, Caesar. Ready to go to the Senate?

CAESAR: I dunno. My wife just had a dream about you and the rest of the senators washing their hands in my blood, so I think I'm going to call in sick today.

DECIUS: Okay, I'll just tell the guys that you're a pussy who lets his wife tell him what to do. They'll understand.

CAESAR: I'll get my coat.

*Caesar skips off to the Senate, confident in the knowledge that he's in a Shakespeare play, where dreams don't predict anything and main characters never get offed*

CAESAR: Hey, why didn't anyone tell me it was Bring A Dagger To Work Day?

THE ENTIRE FUCKING SENATE: WE KEEL YOU!

CASSIUS: Good, he's dead. Now to hold a huge funeral and let his best friend deliver the eulogy to the large, violence-prone mob.

BRUTUS: Cool. Take it away, Antony!

ANTONY: So the guys who killed Caesar aren't bad guys, really...

CROWD: WOOOO! WE LOVE BRUTUS!

ANTONY: ...but Caesar was generous and humble and basically god on earth, and they totally killed him in cold blood.

CROWD: RAAAAAAA! KILL THEM ALL!!! *grabs torches and pitchforks and kills fucking everyone, including a random poet who has the same name as one of the conspirators. I'm not even joking.*

BRUTUS: Man, ruling Rome was a lot more fun when we weren't being invaded by Octavius.

CAESAR'S GHOST: BOOGEDY BOOGEDY BOOGEDY! AVENGE...oh, wrong play. Uh...BOOGEDY!

BRUTUS: Oh, hey Caesar.

CAESAR'S GHOST: Uh...that's it? Not even an "eek?" Fine, whatever. I'm going to see you a second time, by the way. BOOGEDY!

BRUTUS: Huh. That was weird.

CASSIUS: GOD DAMMIT WE'RE LOSING THE WAR! I AM OVER THIS SHIT. Hey you, hold my sword while I impale myself.

SERVANT: Sure thing.

CASSIUS: *dies*

BRUTUS: Let's see: Rome is being destroyed, all my friends have either been killed or comitted suicide, my wife just poisoned herself, and I'm about to be captured by enemy soldiers. *turns to audience* HEY, DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

AUDIENCE: SUICIDE TIME!

BRUTUS: THAT'S RIGHT! *dies*

THE END. Like this book? Read online this: Julius Caesar, Julius Caesar.

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